Blessed are those who hunger and thirst for righteousness, For they shall be filled.
I was going to post more fasting info this time, but I didn’t get it done before my surgery, and I’ve now concluded my first forty-day fast, so I thought it more appropriate to talk about that.
Well, no one can accuse me of doing things the easy way. Who else would have surgery day 36 into a 40 day fast and end up on antibiotics that make food the last thing on my mind?! RATS!
The good news is the surgery went very well. The bad news is that everyone who raved about how wonderful the procedure was for them, failed (purposely) to tell me how miserable recovery would be. While I hate being down, I must admit that my husband was right; compared to cancer surgery, this was a cakewalk.
This is definitely not how I envisioned ending my first forty-day fast. But then nothing about this fast has been how I envisioned it. I went into this wanting a more intimate walk with my God. I wanted to hear Him, maybe even see Him. I wanted a clear revelation and direction for my life. I had a whole laundry list.
Don’t get me wrong, I definitely feel His physical presence more than I ever have. And the miracles He has worked through me have been awesome. But what I found instead of the quenching of my thirst for more of Him, was absolute starvation.
I may have mooned over the pizza my family scarffed down and the Christmas prime rib, but what I longed for more than any of that was Jesus. Still do. I wondered at times how I could possibly feel the power of The Holy Spirit so strong within me, and still be so famished for Him. I don’t know if that makes any sense, but it’s the only way I can describe it.
It’s like all at once being overjoyed by His presence, and completely broken by the realization that only when I find myself wrapped in His nail-scarred hands will I be completely satisfied.
I can’t even think about it without crying.
This wasn’t the only aspect of my fast that God turned around on me. As I mentioned earlier, I wanted God to reveal more of Himself to me. What He did was reveal more of me. I can’t say I was happy with what I saw, but I understand He can work with just about anything.
What I saw was an incredibly backward backseat driver. I went into this fast wanting certain things from God, and then got irritated when He didn’t follow my direction. A need for control resulting from a fearful, chaotic childhood, I have a perfectly good excuse, but did you know it’s impossible to be a follower of Christ if you are trying to do the leading? And seriously, where am I trying to lead Him? Do I know myself better than He? Do I know anything better than He?
My constant prayer these last forty days has been, “Help me enter into Your rest, Lord.”
What I have learned, while comparing myself to other believers and never measuring up, is that God’s plan for me is as unique as my fingerprints. As with all His kids, I have a purpose that no one else can fulfill. A purpose within the Body that is every bit as important and exciting as the other members of the Body.
A toe that keeps trying to be a head, serves no one’s best interests. Not even the toe’s. Being content where God places you is essential to peace and the free movement of The Holy Spirit.
Another constant prayer was Isaiah 30:21:
“Your ears shall hear a word behind you, saying, ‘This is the way, walk in it,’ Whenever you turn to the right hand Or whenever you turn to the left.”
Did you know it’s really hard to hear a voice behind you when you are constantly talking? Or whining, as the case may be?
I guess what I really took away from this experience is the realization that I am a servant. And, while a servant does petition his Master for things, for the most part, a servant listens for directions and then carries them out. Luckily, my Master provides the power to do just that, otherwise I’d make a good mess of things.
My fasting and searching doesn’t end here. There are more adventures ahead. Next time, however, I will try to remember that wise old song, “Trust and obey, for there’s no other way to be happy in Jesus, but to trust and obey.”
Most of all, I’m going to LET GOD DRIVE!
God’s grace and peace be yours,